Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
