shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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