So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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