My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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