I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
my poor anus
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
