I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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