What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
