something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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