so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
