I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
