If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
