Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
