Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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