I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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