I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
