someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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