Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
