Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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