I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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