You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
