I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize