i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
