Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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