dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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