maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
