why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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