I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
