I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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