Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
