people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
