I wish my penis had an off switch
Are we in a gay sports bar?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
