i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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