dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
