my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We have started to decorate penises.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize