I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize