Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
