i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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