just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
