here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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