Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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