Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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