I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
