Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
