I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
There are leaves in my underwear?
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