I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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