Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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