I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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