i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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