You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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