When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
