just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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