Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
