Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
