You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just cropdusted the office
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
foreskin is a definite game changer
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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