Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
