Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I haven't been this sober since birth.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
