I think im going to throw up on grandma
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
