you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Randomize
