cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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