I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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