just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Enjoy the penises
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
