dude i'm inner monologue high
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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