It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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