Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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